Cry Baby

Today, I want to cry. I have yet to really figure out why. This is starting to rhyme, sorry!

Anyway, yesterday I went to my follow up with the Neurologist here. Mom went with me. We asked him a ton of questions and tried to get some definite answers. Despite all of our begging for other choices and options, he truly believes that surgery is my best bet. We told him about the machine they talked about in Houston that can go a bit deeper into the brain. He was familiar with it because they typically send their patients to University of Alabama-Birmingham to have the same test run.

They just finished reading all of my reports yesterday from my last stay in the hospital. They are "sure" the seizures are in the temporal lobes, but can't exactly pinpoint left or right. One of the scans shows left and the other shows right. So, this new scan (a MEG) might be able to tell us exactly where they are starting and which direction they are heading, i.e., start left & travel right or vice versa. However, he said that doesn't really change the surgery option. Whether left or right, the surgery would still need to occur. They still have to go in and put the electrodes on the brain and do some degree of brain mapping.

He said their biggest concern (other than the obvious infection risks, etc.) would be the effect the surgery would have on my speech centers. I told them, most people that know me would be thrilled to know that I might talk less!! He would, too, as I spend over an hour with him each appt. that I have...I know they only schedule about 15 minutes for each patient.

He is also going to try to pull all of my info together in time to present it next week as a case study at their Neuro conference. This way, we have 12 heads looking at it, rather than one. Hopefully, they will come up with something.

I also found out Monday that the adoption is indefinitely on hold. We had originally been told that we had to be five years out from B's last chemo. So, we only had a little over three years to go. However, we learned that I have to be seizure free for five years before we can adopt. So, the count begins again & once again, my heart breaks for our little baby.

Then, Good Morning America had an interview this morning with the Chapman's about the loss of their little girl, Maria (adopted from China). To see those sweet little Asian faces brings tears to my eyes, heart, etc. I long for our sweet little baby. The GMA site doesn't give the full interview for you to see, but if you go to www.stevencurtischapman.com you can see parts of it.

Everything just seems to be on hold right now and I'm ready for life to progress. Yet, I'm trying to take the advice of others that this is life and I need to live in each moment, not wait for the moments. It's just hard in a house all day with a computer, two dogs, and 104 degree weather outside to feel productive and feel like I am truly living. Yes, I try to come up with things to do, but I love people and want to be in the midst of people, loving on them. That takes getting someone else to go out of their way to come pick me up, take me places, etc. I struggle so much with this as I truly feel like an inconvenience.

So, why am I still crying, I don't know. Just a lot there to digest and my brain isn't wrapping around it all very well. Hey, my brain is the problem, so maybe we've found the answer.

Please pray:

• That we will hear from the hospital in Houston. They were supposed to call us many weeks ago and still haven't and we've been trying to call them for over a week and still nothing.
• For B's job. Our ultimate prayer is for God's glory. We also need to be able to pay some bills. With me not working, things are tight. B cares so much more about doing what is best for his clients than making a lot of money. This only amplifies the deep respect and love I already have for him & that often times translates into our paychecks not always being enough to meet the monthly needs. He has some pretty big cases coming up over the next week or so that could truly bless our finances. Please pray for his peace and the right decision to be made by each company, individual, etc.

You are all precious to us that you will come and listen to (read) me mope and then leave praying for us. I feel so selfish, yet so grateful.