And He said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Joy's Journal-Connor's Mommy

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Have you ever felt weary or just plain tired?  Have you felt like you have had enough already?  Felt like the attacks just keep coming?  No respite?  Felt like your card has been punched and it's time for someone else to take a turn?  I admit that over the last few years, I have felt like that.  Over the last few months, I have felt it even more.  The grieving process continues to rage.  I still see the effects of cancer and Connor's death on my family's lives.  I still struggle with doubt and anger at times, facing the truth that remaining faithful to God doesn't always produce a happy, rosy ending.   
I feel like I've been playing four full quarters of basketball and I'm ready to sit out for awhile.  I want God to put me on the bench and give me some respite...some respite from these internal and external struggles.  Lord, let me rest awhile.  We were studying Elijah in I Kings 18 and 19 in our Sunday School class.  I found that I could really relate to him.  He also came to a point where he said "enough!" to God.

After a mountain top experience, where God showed Himself to be powerful and faithful, Elijah came to a point of despair when He felt God did not come through for him.  Elijah had confronted the evil King Ahab and challenged the 450 prophets of Baal.  God answered Elijah's challenge that God would rain down fire on the altar, after the prophets of Baal were not successful with this.  The defeated prophets were then slaughtered and Elijah felt like God would not fail himnow.  "Smooth sailing from here on out, for sure," he was thinking.  Soon after this, Queen Jezebel told Elijah that she would have him killed just like her prophets were killed.  So, Elijah ran!  I think he felt betrayed by God.  Elijah had been faithful, so why didn't God keep his path protected!  Why was disaster pending?

Tait and I experienced many miracles with Connor for the first 3 ½ years of Connor's illness.  God showed himself to be powerful and faithful!  Then, he was diagnosed with his second cancer and we too felt betrayed.  No miraculous healing was coming.  Were we not faithful?  Didn't we deserve some success here?  Not more disaster, surely?

Elijah went to sit under a broom tree in the wilderness.  He had given up.  Enough!  He was questioning God's plan for himself after he had remained so faithful.  Again, I can relate.  But after a time under this tree and in a cave, God shared a vision with Elijah.  He shared a vision of what Elijah's new mission or purpose was.  After God shared his vision, Elijah found new purpose and began his work for the Lord again.

I think this time for Elijah was just a time out, a time to rest on the bench.  Then, he was ready to get back in the game.  He was ready with his new vision and new purpose.  That is what I'm doing now.  I'm sitting on the bench, waiting for God to reveal to me his new purpose for my life.  I believe it is centered on TeamConnor and the book we wrote.  I'm praying that when God shares his vision with me (my new purpose), I will be rested and ready to get back in the game!!!!  So for those of us who are weary and tired, let's try to find some way to rest; recharge. God will surely remain faithful and continue to guide our paths.  He will share with us the vision for our lives - our purpose for carrying out His will!  Let's finish the race with perseverance.  
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." 
Hebrews 12:1

Joy Cruse

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