From Connor's Mommy

Thursday, December 9, 2010

So many questions arise as I wrestle with God.  Suffering causes us all to look deeper at our own beliefs about God and what the Bible says.  I've always loved the verse "And we know that in all things God 
works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" - Romans 8:28.  This verse has always given me comfort, knowing that God was going to work good in my life from 
all things, even my suffering.  Since Connor's death, I've struggled with this verse.  I find myself doubting all the hope I've placed in it.

Don't get me wrong.  I know that there have been many "good" things that have come from Connor's brief and courageous life.  I still receive e-mails and letters from people telling me how he has impacted 
them.  I know that he is a great example to us all of bravery, faith, and joy in the midst of sorrow.  He is my hero.  He has definitely done a great work for God's Kingdom.

I have to be honest here.  When I read this verse for the first 39 years of my life, the words "God would work good in all things" focused on a more personal level for me.  Meaning, I understood it to be that God was working out everything to be good FOR ME!  Blessings 
were in store for ME!  If I love the Lord and am called according to His purpose, Blessings are certainly ahead.  Surely, he will answer my prayers and fix my problems.  It's really the focus of the "name it and claim it" philosophy of some churches today.  At a closer examination of this verse, I understand that this "good" that is being worked out, is for God's Glory.  This "good" will be for His Kingdom, and that doesn't always line up with my own expectations and wishes.

For some, this knowledge may not be so difficult to swallow.  But, for those of us who have been disappointed by God's choices for our lives, it can be very disheartening.  It leaves me sometimes feeling like my wishes and desires aren't so important.  I have always wanted to 
further God's Kingdom and glorify Him in all my actions, but I never expected that to come with such a high cost - MY SON.

I've also loved the bible verse that said "He will give you the desires of your heart."  Doesn't that sound marvelous?  Well, it doesn't seem to be true, because I did not get the desire of my heart.  Connor is no longer here with me.  What about that family of four children that I always wanted?  It still hurts to have a child missing in the back seat of my car and around our dinner table. Last week, I looked up the whole verse.  It's Psalm 37:4.  "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  AAAhhh.  Now, the meaning is
clearer.  If God is the desire of our heart, then yes, God will give us more of Him.  That's what He meant by the desires of our heart.  He wants us to draw nearer to Him.  He wants our desire to be just Him.

So, now, I'm faced with this knowledge that it's not all about me.  Wow!  Shocker.  As I look at the life of Paul, he is a great example of putting his earthly, selfish desires aside and only wanting God's purposes to be lived out through his life.  Christ was the source of Paul's continual joy, for Paul's life found meaning in Christ.  I admit that I'm not always there.  I do know that every day, I constantly have to bend my knee to His Will and lay my selfish desires at His feet.   This is the battle that wars within me.  I suspect that others have fought in this same battle.  My prayer (like Paul's prayer) for us all is that "whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.  I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him!"

Always believing,
Joy Cruse