From Connor's Mommy

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This week has proven to be challenging for the Cruse family. Friday is Connor's birthday. More than usual, thoughts of Connor run through my mind. I can't seem to shake an overall sadness. It seems to cling to me and I can't release it. I want to celebrate the gift that Connor was and is to our family, but with the celebration comes a sense of loss. It's a reminder that I cannot hold him this year for his birthday. No happy dance and no bright smile for me to see. We cannot celebrate his physical life on earth this year, but we try to focus on the gift of his Eternal Life with Christ. As I think of Connor's birthday, I can't help but think of the other children who will be celebrating birthdays this fall. Many of his closest friends had birthdays in the fall season and I know that their minds fall to Connor, too, as they enjoy their own birthdays. Many of them have denied themselves birthday presents so that their friends would donate money to TeamConnor or donate toys for Children's Medical Center, instead. Or, they have invited our whole family to their birthday party, so we will still be a part of their celebration. It's the closest thing to having him there at their party. It may be bittersweet for them this year. I guess for this journal entry, I have a prayer request. Please lift up a prayer for these children who have known and loved Connor. I know many of them still struggle with their grief. They also wrestle with their faith and lack of understanding of "why" this happened. They prayed so fervently for Connor, and it is such a hard lesson for all of us when God doesn't answer our prayers the way we expect Him to. Here's a poem that Connor's friend, Mollie Claire, wrote for him and she read it to him at the burial. She mentions the many birthday parties that they shared over the years, as she was born one day after him. "My sweet friend had lots of glory. Listen now while I tell you his story. Connor was born three weeks early as healthy as can be... The very next day, three weeks early I came, his oldest friend, that's me. As babies we pushed each other in cars, played in the sand, even a bath or two. We sat up, we crawled and learned to walk...each stage together we grew. Our first birthday, our high chairs were full of cake and messes... As toddlers, our sisters put us in matching dresses. Our birthday parties together were always a huge affair. We had pony rides, bowling, bounce houses and boot camp, we just had to share. Rides at Disney World, skiing in Whistler, and climbing Diamond Head with no stop. Stuffing sand in his shorts, riding paddle boats and calling my dad a "muffin top". We accepted Christ just weeks apart and took the New Christians class together. With Sayers in our trio, we followed in baptism one after another. Jesus was first in Connor's life. He slept to his favorite praise songs. Although his body was weak, he continued to fight and always stayed strong. My last date with Connor was breakfast at IHOP. We were planning our 9th birthday... a drive in movie and sock hop. Connor taught me to keep on going, without complaining. There is always so much to say. As I last whispered in his ear..."I love you Connor and it will always be our birthday!!!" HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEET CONNOR! HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT BIG BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH JESUS! I BET THE BIRTHDAY CAKE IS GREAT UP THERE! Always believing, Joy