Joy's Journal-Connor's Mommy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Lord, you already know this about me, but I still have to admit it.  As I really examine my feelings, I feel like you broke my heart.  It's like gut-wrenching, heart-breaking betrayal.  I waited day after day, month after month, year after year for you to come and rescue me from the possibility, from the reality, of losing my son.  My faith was strong.  My belief in your all-powerful ability to perform a miracle was grounded in years of study of Your Word.  Yet, the rescue never came.  You allowed me to go through this hurt - obviously for your bigger plan, for your purposes.  But, still the BREAKING.

As I fly over the San Jacinto Mountains this afternoon, I really study this view from my plane window.  I can't help but think this must be what my heart looks like - the crevices, holes and hidden spaces.  As the reality of loss sets in, a breaking in the surface appears.  Grief ... a shifting in the very foundation of the earth.  Disappointment ... a large crack opens up.  Frustration ... wind and rain slowly erode the soil and rock to create uneven planes.   Sorrow ... small pieces break away.  Missing Connor ... deep holes form in hidden places.     

My heart is broken and I'm praying I will learn to trust You fully again.  Some of the cracks have been closed again - by your grace and the prayers of many.  I feel more shifting, at my foundation, at my core.  It's being re-adjusted, changed to a new, stronger firmer condition.  It's still the deep, hidden places that need to be filled.  

 My prayer, Lord, is fill me up.  I think, too often, I try to fill these holes by myself or try my own remedies.  I also try the faulty patchwork this world has to offer.  I realize that nothing or no one can fill me completely, except your Love.  May my heart over-flow with your love.  Permeate my soul.  Help me to trust again... so my heart can once again be fully whole.

Always believing, 

Joy Cruse