"I lift my eyes up...where does my help come from?"

Psalm 121- My Help comes from the Lord!!!

Just a quick update.  Many of you know that M's seizures have been back for the last few weeks (21 in the last four days).  It has been really difficult especially having experienced a great reprieve a little over a month ago.  But we come again asking for your continued prayers.  Pray also for supernatural wisdom for our Neurologist.  We will be visiting with her this week to come up with a strategy for moving forward.  We aren't sure if this means beginning the IV therapy that we did over the summer, which actually increased M's seizures or do we do something completely new.  So please pray for all of us as we continue to seek what direction we take.

Angels on Earth

Have any of you ever seen an angel on earth?

We have...

She blesses our home when she arrives each morning.  Though you would guess that angels are too busy to stay for long, she actually stays all day!!!  She loves little Miss P with all of her heart.  That amazing heart of hers longs to serve.  She is always looking for ways to bless us.  She has become a member of our family.  She is a gift from the Lord to me that allows me to have peace that no matter what the day looks like with seizures, there is a precious angel protecting "our little angel!"

Our Angel on Earth

Enjoying creation with our little gift!

 

She brings a smile to each one of us.

Little Miss P just loves her!

 Now, for the prayer request:

Our angel has another assignment from the Lord.  When she started visiting us, she was only part-time and accepted a job starting at the end of November that would be full-time.  However, when my seizures increased, we asked her to join us full-time.  We want to keep her.  Yet, she has given her word to this other family to start at the end of November.  This means that we will need someone new to come in and help with little Miss P.  We truly need someone that can be full-time.  Please join us as we pray for that perfect angel to be able to come and help us with Miss P.  If any of you have suggestions, please share.  Otherwise, your prayers are coveted.

Joy's Journal-Connor's Mommy

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Lord, you already know this about me, but I still have to admit it.  As I really examine my feelings, I feel like you broke my heart.  It's like gut-wrenching, heart-breaking betrayal.  I waited day after day, month after month, year after year for you to come and rescue me from the possibility, from the reality, of losing my son.  My faith was strong.  My belief in your all-powerful ability to perform a miracle was grounded in years of study of Your Word.  Yet, the rescue never came.  You allowed me to go through this hurt - obviously for your bigger plan, for your purposes.  But, still the BREAKING.

As I fly over the San Jacinto Mountains this afternoon, I really study this view from my plane window.  I can't help but think this must be what my heart looks like - the crevices, holes and hidden spaces.  As the reality of loss sets in, a breaking in the surface appears.  Grief ... a shifting in the very foundation of the earth.  Disappointment ... a large crack opens up.  Frustration ... wind and rain slowly erode the soil and rock to create uneven planes.   Sorrow ... small pieces break away.  Missing Connor ... deep holes form in hidden places.     

My heart is broken and I'm praying I will learn to trust You fully again.  Some of the cracks have been closed again - by your grace and the prayers of many.  I feel more shifting, at my foundation, at my core.  It's being re-adjusted, changed to a new, stronger firmer condition.  It's still the deep, hidden places that need to be filled.  

 My prayer, Lord, is fill me up.  I think, too often, I try to fill these holes by myself or try my own remedies.  I also try the faulty patchwork this world has to offer.  I realize that nothing or no one can fill me completely, except your Love.  May my heart over-flow with your love.  Permeate my soul.  Help me to trust again... so my heart can once again be fully whole.

Always believing, 

Joy Cruse

FW: Joy's Journal

Joy's Journal Friday, September 30, 2011   For my journal entry this time, I wanted to write a letter to Connor to commemorate his 11th birthday. I wanted to share this letter with MacKenzie, Carson and Mason to help remember Connor on his special day.   Dear Connor,   It's your birthday this Sunday and your third birthday in heaven. Happy 11th birthday!  I can't imagine how fantastic your birthday celebration is in heaven, or maybe everyday is like a celebration there. We will be thinking of you and missing you on your special day.   We can't even imagine what your days are like in heaven. We continue to keep up the good fight down here. Mackenzie is growing up into a beautiful, mature, independent young lady. I remember the days when she used to dress you in her princess costumes. Mason remembers you often.  He says  "I miss Connor. He was such a good brother. He loved me". What a blessing from God that he still remembers you, especially since he was only three when you went to heaven.  Carson really had the hardest time dealing with your absence, but I know that God is slowly moving him through his grief.   God is also carrying your dad and me. I can't imagine getting through one day of this without Him.   We are trying to make the best of the situation - believing the promise "all things work together for good to those who love Him and are called according to his purpose". Romans 8:28. We are growing TeamConnor to continue your legacy and try to make your wish come true - that know other child would have to go through what you did. We introduced Connor the caterpillar to hopefully someday be the national icon for childhood cancer to raise awareness. We will be releasing our devotional book and Your Childrens book next year. We want to spread God's message of hope to so many. We pray that God would bless all of these endeavors.   The other day, I was listening to the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. The words echoed what my heart wanted to say to you. If I could go back in time and I had you again for a moment on May 15, 2005 (diagnosis day), these are the words I would say.   Be strong in the Lord And never give up hope You're gonna do great things I already know God's got His hands on you So don't live life in fear Forgive and forget But don't forget why you're here Take your time and pray And thank God for each day His love will find a way These are the words I would say   The funny thing is - I think you already knew all this. The way you lived your life exemplified this. I'm still in awe at how you journeyed so well, son. We live each day trying to honor your memory as we keep walking with God and sharing your story of hope with others.  Hope you're proud of us.   Always believing,   Mom