Dishwashers & Grace

What do these two words have to do with each other? Very little and so much!

I have continued to have seizures each day. On average about five per day this month. However, I haven't had any yet today! Thank you, Lord!

Have you ever started the dishwasher or washing machine on your way to bed? You know that little wooshing sound that you hear in the background as you try to fall asleep? That is the noise that plays over and over again in my left ear. We assume it has something to do with the surgery. That is the side that experienced the most swelling. Thus, the side where I had to have the drain placed. So, any time it is quiet (i.e., trying to fall asleep, concentrate, etc.), I hear a dishwasher or washing machine in my ear. Grrr. The "dishwasher" makes it hard to sleep, hard to think, hard to function, but I'm learning.

Thus, grace. I'm going to ramble a bit here and then come back to my point on grace, I promise.

Saturday night, we had a wedding reception to go to...being an only child, my brothers and sister growing up were the kiddos of Mom's best friend. Her oldest, S, was in my class. Then, there was T and then, the youngest, the little bit of pink in the family, K. She got married in September. She had a destination wedding. We intended to be there. However, I was stuck in the hospital and so we weren't able to be there supporting her on that special day. So, no seizure was going to stand in the way of me being there for her reception.

This is B & me at the reception.

We didn't get a pic with the bride and groom.
So, stop the music on our page (he's a musician and
the song playing on their page is beautiful) and
click on this link and see how precious they are...

Most of you know that the seizures have affected my memory and speech. However, something that I've not mentioned much of (because it embarrasses me, yet here I am about to post it on the world wide web) is how my ability to write has been affected. I can type because spell check will correct me, but handwriting is a big mess for me now. If there is any background noise while I try to write the word 'dog,' you might see 'drtgh,' on the paper. It is so frustrating. I wanted to write a note to K to tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her, but I didn't want it to be full of scribbles. So, I spent most of the day, typing and retyping. Then, I sat down in what I thought was a quiet house to write the letter on paper from the computer screen. Dogs barked, the phone rang, life happened, and it was messy. So, when I handed the letter to her, I apologized to her and even showed her the front where I couldn't even spell her name correctly.

At this, she knelt down and asked me a question that no one has asked me before: "Do you give yourself grace in these moments?" Whoa. I wasn't ready for that question. The night before I tried to write a letter to B's boss thanking him for leading an office that has been so supportive and wonderful through all of this. Again, I typed it first and then tried to write it. I was in tears before I had written the second sentence because I felt so incapable. It is just so frustrating to feel like I can't accomplish such a basic task.

For those of you that have blessed us considerably with meals, love, prayers, etc., and are wondering where your thank you cards are, I hope this helps to explain the delay. They are coming, but I don't even write out my grocery lists anymore.

So, to go back and answer K's question: No, I do not give myself grace in those moments. I beat myself up something terrible. It's writing a simple word. C'mon. This should be easy. Why is it so difficult? I'm a grown woman, I should be able to write a thank you card without having to scratch out every third letter.

I want to make dinner for my hubby, but if I have a seizure and am unable to turn off the stove, I could seriously harm us, our house, our sweet puppies, etc. I want to clean the house, so that my hubby can come home to a pretty house after a long day of working hard for us, but standing for too long seems to trigger seizures and the sound of the vacuum is way too painful. I want to organize things, but I can't remember where we put things and so I just end up making more piles which is a bigger mess for B to clean up when he gets home. I want to go run errands and feel productive, but Texas law won't let me. I want to decorate our house for Christmas, but I had to give up on the idea of the big tree this year and settle for the little one. Then, I realized I couldn't remember how to wrap lights around branches. That has to be a basic task, but I couldn't make my hands and brain work together to do it. So, I eventually just stopped.

I want to feel like I'm making a difference and right now, I just don't. I feel like a bump on a log, sitting at home with two really cute puppies, waiting for the seizures to go away. So, no, I don't give myself grace in any of these moments. I either push myself too hard trying to do more than I should and causing more seizures or just making myself feel awful; or I emotionally beat myself up wanting to do so much more. I'm sure that I should give myself more grace, but I've not mastered the art yet.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I'm just not there yet.

On a bit more positive note: we have seen that each time I've received an IV dose of my meds, I've gone a while without seizures. I've been asking my doc in Houston for many months if we could try IV meds. He replied to all my other e-mails, but not that one. Saturday night, at the reception, we ran into my PCP and told him that we were trying to get my Epileptologist to agree to that. He said to let him know and he would try to make it happen in his office.

Sunday night, I had a bad seizure. Mom and B were both here. When it was over, I went to the computer to type it in (we keep a record of all of them). When I was done, I checked my e-mail and had one from my Epi doc agreeing to allow me to start IV treatment. I started screaming, "Praise the Lord" and crying. Mom and B kept saying, "Yes, but why?" I couldn't speak through the tears to tell them. Finally, B came in and read the e-mail and shared the news with Mom. We all rejoiced!

I just got an e-mail from my Epi doc that he has spoken with my PCP and we should be able to start IV treatment this week if all goes well. I have an appt. with my PCP tomorrow and so we should get all of the details then. Praise the Lord! Thank you for all of your prayers!!

2 Corinthians 1:2-7

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.