From Connor's Mommy

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I know it's been awhile since I've written Joy's Journal.  To be honest, I have sat down several times to write it and I have struggled with what to say.  Many thoughts and struggles are filling my head.  I'm trying to grasp something that would be constructive and inspirational.  I decided to just start with how I feel.

Tait and I have learned that the most difficult part of this journey with God and our faith has not been when Connor was still alive.  When Connor was still fighting for his life, when we had hope for his healing on earth, it was easier to hold on to our faith.  We still had hope that God would bring about the miracle that we had prayed for.  He could still show himself to be powerful and good and trustworthy.  But, when prayers go unanswered and when your biggest heart-felt prayer is crushed, how do you get past your devastation with God?

I've read many books and listened to many speakers who address our faith and hope when we are in the midst of our fight, but what about those of us who have lost our battle (meaning our earthly battle).  I know, I know that there is Victory in Jesus.  He has won the battle for eternity.  Without this knowledge, I would be derailed once and for all.  This is my hope for the future.  But, I guess what I'm saying is how do I get through the pain of the here and now -- when missing Connor still makes my heart ache?  Where do we go when God says no?  I feel like this is the time when we are at our most vulnerable.  This is the time when we are all the must susceptible to losing our faith, to becoming bitter and angry - to feeling unloved.  I think this is where we all need the most help.

As Tait and I were driving by the cemetery where Connor was buried, a song came on the radio "Oh, how He loves us".  I just burst into tears.  I realized that for once in my life, I didn't feel loved by Him.  What I felt was irony, tragedy and betrayal.  As I was listening to how much He loved me, I couldn't help but think "really?" as I was looking at where my son's body lie under the ground.  You love me, yet You let this most horrible thing happen to me?  How do we reconcile these feelings with the knowledge that He loves us?  In my head, I know without a doubt that He loves me.  In my broken heart, I can't get past the wall of pain to see His love residing there.

I realize that this is part of the grieving process.  I believe that I have moved into the angry stage.  It is something I will move through.  I debated all month whether I should share these feelings.  Some will misunderstand.  Some will judge.  And those of you who have experienced some kind of loss of your own - loss of a loved one, loss of a marriage, loss of innocence - I know you will understand.  So, I write this for you.  I want you to know that you are not alone in your feelings of devastation and frustration.

This is such a crucial crossroads.  Do we trust these feelings of abandonment and disappointment, or do we continue to stay on the path of God's Hope and Eternity set before us?  I know there is no easy answer, no easy solution.  But I think there is healing in sharing these hurts, expressing our pain.  Being honest about this feels like a betrayal on my part..  As if I'm not trusting God enough - like I'm weak.  At the same time, I think that voicing these honest feelings will help.  I think, for me, it's like letting the poison out of my heart.  This way, I can move towards healing. I want  to share a song with you.  "Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're 

near What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

As long as we have faith to believe

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

Not sure I'm there yet - feeling like Connor's death was a mercy in disguise.  Someday, I hope I will be.

Always believing,

Joy Cruse