From Connor's Mommy

"Before The Morning"
Lyrics By Josh Wilson
 
"Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you where is He now
Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending
Someday somehow you'll see you'll see
 
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
'Cuz the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
 
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning
 
My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you're going
You just don't know how you'll get there
So say a prayer
And hold on cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture
 
ONCE YOU FEEL THE WEIGHT OF GLORY
ALL YOUR PAIN WILL FADE TO MEMORY
 
It's just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning"
 
I've been trying to sum up how I feel about Connor's first Anniversary of his welcome to heaven.  I've been listening to this song for months now and it expresses both the pain I feel and the hope I have in Christ.  As July 10th approaches, Tait and I have been remembering the days that led up to Connor's passing.  These memories mainly consist of Connor's pain and suffering.  It's like reliving it all over again.  But then, it was like Connor spoke to me and said "Mom, I'm not like that anymore.  I am not suffering or in pain.  Don't put yourself through that misery anymore.  You're going through unnecessary pain, because those days are over for me.  Why put yourself through that?"  
 
So, I'm taking Connor's advice.  I'm focusing on the morning or the dawn.  I'm focusing on God's promises to restore joy to our lives. "The sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us"  (Romans 8:18.). Our pain and struggles are very real, but they are only the dark before the morning.
 
It's like what Pastor Graham said at Connor's service.  "Don't trade what you do know for what you don't know."  I don't know why this had to happen to Connor.  Why did he have to get two cancers by the age of 8?  Why did he have to die?  I may never know those answers this side of Heaven, but I do know a lot of things about God.  He loves us, He will never leave us, He died for us and He prepared a place for us in Heaven for those who love Him.  I will choose to focus on what I do know and the dawn.  Someday, I will see Connor again and God's glory will be revealed to me.  That is the promise I'm counting on.  Until that day, I will fight the good fight until I see His face, like Connor would have wanted me to.
 
"I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded.  So there is hope for your future, declares the Lord."                
                                                                        Jeremiah 31:13 &16
 
Thanks to all of you for your words of encouragement through phone calls, cards, e-mails and facebook entries.  We appreciate your prayers and support more than you can know.
 
Always believing,
Joy Cruse