From Connor's Mommy

Last time, I spoke about unanswered prayers or not getting the answers we prayed for. Sometimes, we experienced something else with our prayers. SILENCE. At times, it was though there was a brick wall where God's answers were being blocked. I would cry out in frustration, "Why can't I hear you?" Or when I did hear from him, I felt as though I was misunderstanding his answers to me. It was as if my radar was faulty. I either didn't hear anything or it wasn't coming in clear. I would read His Word and interpret it one way,only to find out later, that is not what those Words or promises meant to me. What do we do when God is silent or unclear?

I will say that even when He was silent, I felt His presence. I never felt alone, but what could be the point of His silence? Surely, there is a purpose in ALL that He does. Finally, 9 months after Connor's death, maybe I have some understanding behind God's purpose in all this.

We were discussing this in Bible Study and my friend, Marcy, made an interesting observation. If the Lord had not remained silent or unclear to my questions about Connor's fate, how would I have responded? Would I have acted in such faith if I knew Connor would not live past the age of 8 ½? Would I have fought so diligently for him if I knew my efforts would have been in vain? Could I have lived with no regrets without that valiant fight for my son's life? Would I have carried Hope in my heart if I knew Connor's final date on earth? Could I have remained strong? Honestly, I don't know the answers to those questions.

I do know that things would have been different, though, if I had the knowledge of Connor's fate ahead of time. What would God have said to me if He had not remained silent? Would those answers have been a benefit for me or my downfall? In hindsight, I am grateful for His silence. It reminded me of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, "You can't handle the truth!"

Like Garth Brook's song the dance, I would not have wanted to know when the dance would end. I see God's wisdom now in his silence, though His silence at the time was heart-wrenching and maddening. Again, His Sovereignty is a blessing.

"Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening
Why do You feel so far away?
When I know You're here with me
But I just need faith to see
Nothing can separate me from Your love
I will trust in You, even in the moments I can't find You,
and I will hold on to Your promises of love
You've never failed before"

By: Meredith Andrews

Always believing,

Joy Cruse