From Connor's Mommy

Last week I mentioned how my heart had been stretched to learn new lessons. This week, I want to mention something else I've learned.

I've learned to surrender what is most important to me.

As most of you know the week leading up to Connor's home-going was very stressful. His feeding tube had fallen out on July 4 and he was not getting any nutrients and he was severely dehydrated due to the fluids/food just flushing right through him into his colostomy bag. That whole week, we spent everyday at a hospital trying to fix the feeding tube, to no avail. On Thursday, July 9th, another feeding tube was placed in Connor's abdomen. (They did this without putting him to sleep and he handled it SO WELL). When we arrived home, we realized the new tube was leaking and this tube did not fix the problem.

Shortly after we realized this, I got a phone call from the doctor in regards to Connor's labwork. His red blood count and platelets were low again and he would have to go back to the hospital Friday for more blood and platelets. The doctor also informed me that his BUN level was extremely high, which meant Connor was dangerously dehydrated. If he started hallucinating or became non responsive, we should bring him into the ER as soon as possible.

At this point, I was so worn out. It didn't matter how hard I tried to fix these problems, to fix Connor, if God didn't choose to HEAL Connor, it was all in vain. I could only do so much. It was like running on a treadmill. I was spending all this energy and all this time, but I wasn't making any progress for Connor.

Outside on our patio, Mom, Tait and I prayed. We prayed that God would either heal Connor or take him home. We knew that we were not selfish enough to want to keep Connor here the way he was. If His ultimate plan was not to heal Connor, then we wanted God to relieve him from his suffering. We surrendered our precious Connor into God's Hands. We prayed for a sign. A couple of hours later, Connor became non-responsive and we called the ambulance, which led us to Children's at Legacy and Connor's last 24 hours..

It is so hard to relinquish what we love SO MUCH to God, back to our Father and Creator. We want to hold on with all we have to what we hold dear. It was so hard to let him go, yet we knew in our hearts it was right.

Just as my daughter, MacKenzie, (in her wisdom) read to Connor on his last day, we should surrender ourselves to his will. This is the verse MacKenzie read to Connor. When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane waiting for the soldiers to come take him, he said to his Father in Heaven, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Matthew 26: 39

Always Believing,
Joy