B's brother seems to be gaining a bit more strength. However, it's still tough. His Bible is too heavy for him to lift and he's 6'4" and was originally 250+. He still needs considerable encouragement. The incision from his surgery has now become infected and thus makes it even harder for him to eat and keep the food down...they have him on a bunch of antibiotics trying to figure out what infections they are treating. So, he just needs overall healing and strength.
B is doing well. His strength and reliance on the Lord through all of this amazes me. He is so dependent on our Heavenly Father to carry us through. I finally told him the other day that I give up. I don't have the energy to fight this anymore. I'm still having 10+ seizures each day with every doc saying, "we don't know why." The day I was admitted into the hospital I was having a ton in a row and had about 18 for the day. However, before that I was down to about 10-15 per day. So, I struggle a bit with feeling like we haven't made much progress.
Just for clarity sake, when I say I give up, it means I recognize I don't have any strength left to fight this battle...anything from this point on has to be the Lord. It's not that it's a bad place to be, but it's not fun getting there. We still don't have real answers, but we're trying one more outpatient treatment before they put me back in the hospital to be more aggressive with treatment.
I woke up a few weeks ago and had a seizure. I asked the Lord why, what is his purpose behind all of this. I immediately saw the lady that cuts my hair (she did everyone's hair at our wedding). I think she did a pretty good job, what about you?
Anyway, she is a Believer and could teach me so much more about the Lord than I could ever teach her. So, I was incredibly confused. Anyway, I had my hair cut yesterday and she told me the Lord is using this to teach me to receive. I am a giver by nature and don't receive very well. Since I am at home and have all this time on my hands, I want to be out/going and doing things for others, but I'm not allowed to drive. So, I feel like I'm stuck looking at my cute little puppies all day.
They are adorable and fun to look at, but it's hard to not be exposed to humans either. The catch 22 is that I wear out so easily from talking to others that it doesn't make much sense for people to try to make a trip to our house either.
Back to receiving, I try to receive well when people are bringing meals, taking me to stores, etc., but I don't like asking for anything. I'm afraid I'll inconvenience everyone. I feel like an extra stop is asking for too much. I just want to give instead. She explained to me that the joy I get from giving to others is the same joy others get when I receive from them. Yes, it makes sense, but I still struggle with it. Then, I turned the page on my little inspiration calendar today and this is the scripture, "the Lord Jesus Himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive'." Acts 20:35 When looking up the context and exact words of this scripture, I was also convicted by this: Romans 16:1-3 Again, I don't feel deserving of receiving, but I'm going to start trying.
So, as I was walking out of my cardiologist office the other day, in tears, just wanting these to go away, I looked up and one of their patient's chart was on the counter and her last name was "Pray." I don't need much to know that was the Lord encouraging me, okay, jumping up and down to get my attention. So, in an effort to still give, though not in the way I'm used to, I'm going to start keeping a prayer journal. My intention is that each day I will lift up particular requests to the Lord for you. Again, I can't jump in my car and come serve you, but hopefully, you are gifted by the Lord through these prayers. So, please let me know how I can pray for you. You can e-mail me or post it as a comment if you want others that read this to pray for you, as well. In the meantime, maybe I'll learn to receive, but this is a way that I can keep giving.
I'm sure I'll have more to say soon, but wanted to get that much out before I head to bed.
Prayers:
- Encouragement for B's brother
- Healing for B's brother
- Strength for us to rely on the Lord and trust His provision
- Encouragement from the Lord.
- Wisdom and direction in the steps we take
- For the Lord to be glorified in Ben's work.
- I have an appt. on Friday with a surgeon b/c (this could be TMI) I have a lump in my breast that keeps getting larger and my PCP isn't comfortable with it, but he's ordered all of the tests that he can...
- Wisdom in our finances.
- That I will begin to learn to receive.
Praises:
- B's brother is alive
- B is such a hard worker and loves serving the Lord through his job and through loving me. I'm daily amazed that I married such a wonderful man.
- Mom is better from her stomach virus
- Jesus loves us!!
Posts
Girl, you are so strong. I completely understand why you would want to "give up". I wouldn't have done NEAR as well with all that you are going through. I know that God will and already has given you all of the strengh that you need. You are such a testiment to how we all should do in these hard situations. You are an inspiration, & we love you!
ReplyDelete